


Of Love and Loss

by wedolikeitrough



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, TW: Mention of Suicide Attempt, TW: Violence, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2019-08-06 12:32:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16387802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wedolikeitrough/pseuds/wedolikeitrough
Summary: Emma Swan, living with her brother Henry, her alcoholic mother and abusive stepfather in a small apartment in Staten Island, tries to work her way out of poverty by going back to High School where she meets literature teacher Regina Mills.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I chose not to use Archive Warnings because of spoilers. However, when it comes to the point I will put a specific warning before the chapter.

  **10 Months and 28 Days After**

 

“I’m not some crazy person, you can’t just lock me up!!”, Emma yelled and tried to free herself from the hand that was holding on tightly to her arm. She had always hated police officers with a passion. She hated how they thought they were better than others. And they never helped. Never. They were just as useless as mushrooms on pizza.

“In fact, we can, Madam.” The police officer politely pushed Emma towards the front desk, where a middle aged woman was trying to solve a crossword puzzle. 

Emma clearly wasn’t the first today. The woman didn’t even look at her when she passed her the clipboard. “Fill that in”, she said.

Emma didn’t even think about it. There was no way she would give these people any information. Maybe then they would let her go again. The police officer rolled his eyes and took the clipboard.“Name?”, he said, certainly not amused.

“Emma”, Emma replied, fiddling with the drenched sleeve of her sweater. She was cold and really needed to use the bathroom, but she was not going to ask these people for anything.

“… and?”

“Nothing. Just Emma.”

“Come on.” He was losing his patience. “Listen, we will find out anyway. We will find out your name, your address, your criminal record - we will find out everything about you. Do you want us to start digging or will you just give me your name?”

It was quiet in the waiting room. Apparently Emma was the only patient on this Wednesday night. She never planned to end up here. She had barely anything with her, only the clothes she was wearing and her book she was holding onto when they told her that she had to come with them.

“Alright, then you’re in luck because you won’t have to stay here. You will come with me and you will spend the night behind bars, how about that?”

“Enough, George.” Emma hadn’t seen the woman approaching. She was wearing a white coat, so she was probably a doctor. Her chin-long, super straight hair made her look kind of mean.

“I’m just doing my job”, the police officer tried to defend himself. He was probably scared of her as well.

“Do it elsewhere. You’re done here.”

He shook his head. “Good luck”, he said and handed the clipboard to the doctor before he went through the door.

“So, your name is Emma?”, the woman asked and Emma nodded. “My name is Dr. Belfrey. Seems like you’re going to stay with us for a while.”

“For how long? I really don’t want to stay here.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t like to be locked up. And I don’t have any problems.”

“How about you give us a chance? What do you have to lose?”

Dr. Belfrey had a point there. Emma had absolutely nothing to lose. She had nothing. It didn’t matter where she slept.

“You know, the people who walk through this door usually also walk out again”, she said and pointed towards the door through which Emma had been dragged in.

Emma nodded and followed the doctor into a room where they drew her blood and checked her blood pressure. Dr. Belfrey explained to her that this was their standard procedure to make sure that their patients were physically healthy and didn’t belong in a hospital. She also asked if Emma was on any medication, but apart from sleeping pills Emma wasn’t a fan of chemicals.

“So, Emma, did something happen today?”, the doctor asked while checking Emma’s pupils and declared her physically healthy. “Anything that made you feel anxious or sad?”

Emma shook her head. “No.”

“Since you didn’t give us any information about you I assume you don’t want us to contact your family or friends?”

“There’s no family. And no friends.”

The doctor didn’t believe her, but Emma appreciated that she respected her enough not to dig any deeper. “Do you have anything on you besides the book?”

Emma shook her head again.

“Good, then I will only need your shoe laces and we’re good to go.”

After Emma was allowed to use the bathroom, she followed the doctor along the hallways. Everything was quiet; everyone was asleep. She only saw a few nurses walk past them, but no patients whatsoever. Emma held onto her book for dear life. She wanted to leave this place and to be alone. They stopped in front of a door that said “Room 223”. Almost like a hotel, just… cleaner.

“Sorry to wake you, Robin, but you have a new roommate. This is Emma”, the doctor introduced her briefly.

Robin looked at Emma for a brief second, only to turn around again. Emma would’ve reacted the same way if someone had waken her up for no reason. She looked younger than Emma, maybe not even eighteen.

“I’ll see you tomorrow for your first session. Sleep well.” That sounded kind of ironic. The beds looked everything but comfortable.

Emma walked over to the bed on the other side of the room. It was indeed hard, but Emma was so tired and exhausted from everything she’d been through that she just curled up and pressed her book against her chest. She just wanted to sleep and never wake up again.

 

She did wake up. And she wasn’t the first one to be awake. Robin was sitting on her bed, her hair already messily braided into a side pony tail. She held her knees and seemed to be waiting for something. Emma figured that she looked a little older than Emma had assumed, but the girl definitely couldn’t be older than 20. She might have been even younger. What could’ve happened to her that she ended up here?

Emma rubbed her eyes and looked around the room. She kind of missed a mirror. Not that she particularly cared about her appearance these days, but it was strange. Maybe there were mirrors in the washing room. “Morning”, Emma said, even though she herself wasn’t the talkative type anymore these days.

Robin didn’t respond. Instead, she focused harder on biting her nails. She jumped a little when a nurse came in without any warning, telling them to go to breakfast. But Robin made no attempt to get up from her bed.

“You’re not going to breakfast?”, Emma asked, but the girl slipped under the covers again without even looking at her.

 

Emma felt kind of disgusting showing up for breakfast wearing the same clothes she arrived with yesterday. And she wasn’t even hungry. She just wanted to cooperate so they would release her again. The breakfast room reminded her a lot of the cafeteria in High School, but she pushed away that thought immediately before it could cause any damage. She grabbed a tray like everyone else, and sat down on a free table. Looking around the room was a bit weird. For some people it was easy to tell why there were here, others seemed completely healthy.Some were Emma’s age, some were younger, some were older. It was mix of different people, but they all had something in common: lifehad given them lemons, and they failed to make lemonade.

 

Suddenly someone took the seat in front of Emma. Robin didn’t look at her, and just like Emma she didn’t even touch her food. But they sat there together alone in silence.

 

 

**4 Years, 2 Months, and 3 Days Before**

 

“Emmy? Are you awake? Emmy?” 

Tiny hands where squeezing Emma’s shoulders in an attempt to wake her up. It worked, and Emma chose to avoid looking at the clock. When she was starting to count the hours of sleep she would be getting there was no way she could fall back to sleep. “T’s wrong, buddy?”, she mumbled sleepily and lifted her blanket so Henry could crawl under the covers.

“I think he’s killing Mommy”, the boy whispered. He was probably scared to say the words out loud.

Emma put her arms around her brother to comfort him. The only noise that came from the living room was their stepdad yelling things Emma couldn’t understand as it was more like a big long slur. “Don’t be silly, close your eyes and think about the adventures of the pig and the bear, just like I told you to. It will be over soon.” Emma covered Henry’s ear with her hand so the noise wouldn’t distract him from falling back to sleep. When Emma had been a kid she had two stuffed animals, a pig and a bear. The bear had been missing an ear, and her mother had told her that he needed a home because no one else had wanted him. And since this all had started Emma had begun inventing stories about the pig and the bear to distract Henry from what was happening around him. It was working most of the time.

Suddenly something smashed against the wall, so loudly that Emma and Henry were wide awake again. Her heart dropped into her stomach, but she knew she had to stay calm.

“What was that?”, Henry whispered.

“I don’t know. Maybe _he_ knocked something over. Don’t worry.” She tried to rock him back to sleep but there was no chance.

“Can you go look if Mommy’s okay?”

That had been Emma’s plan all along, but after Henry went back to sleep. “Stay in the room”, she ordered and crawled out of the bed. Trying to make as little noise as possible, she tip-toed toward the door and opened it just enough for her to take a peak. Her mother was sitting on the sofa with a cigarette resting in her hand. Next to her on the floor there was a pile of shards and Emma couldn’t identify what this used to be. Maybe a vase or something. She opened the door a little wider because it made her nervous that her stepfather was no where to be seen. _He_ was standing in front of the fridge, complaining about something. 

“Is she alive?” Of course Henry didn’t stay behind. He saw too many things an eight year old shouldn’t have seen, so he was constantly worried that something bad might happen to his mother. Even worse than a black eye or a broken arm.

“Yes, go back to bed”, she whispered, knowing that if her stepfather heard that she was awake things would get ugly. 

Henry did as he was told, but he didn’t went into his bed. Instead, he lied down on the bottom bed, indicating that he wanted to stay with Emma for the night. She tucked him and also herself in and hoped that this was it for tonight.

 

The morning came far to quickly. Emma dragged herself and also Henry out of bed, trying her very best to motivate him to go to the bathroom and brush his teeth. Before she let him out of the room she checked if anyone was awake, but the living room was empty and the only evidence of last night’s incident was the pile of shards. Sometimes she would find her mother being asleep on the couch and she always tried her best to bring her into the bedroom before Henry would see her like that. But this morning was almost peaceful.

While Henry was in the bathroom Emma prepared a bowl of cereal and put in on the table, before making sandwich and putting the lunch box in Henry’s school bag. It was their routine, though this morning they had to do this about half an hour earlier. That was probably the reason why Henry was a little bit grumpier than usual. For the past year Emma had been working at a bar every night, which meant she never had to be anywhere this early. She only woke up to make sure Henry had breakfast and lunch and would leave the house in time to go to school. Her grades had always been good and she never really hated school, but at this point in her life earning money had been more important than getting an education.

But then her friends had convinced her to apply for a program that allowed Highschool drop outs to finish Highschool, and not just at any Highschool, at one of the best Highschools in New York City. One of those schools rich parents sent their kids to in order to make sure that they would attend rich universities and lived rich, successful lives. After yet another super exhausting shift where Emma had been touched inappropriately by male costumers who couldn’t contain themselves, she had decided that she couldn’t do this any longer, at least not seven days a week. And she really needed a better job when she wanted to move out and take Henry with her, and for a good job she needed to at least graduate from Highschool. She had applied for the program, and to her surprise, they had accepted her. Her boss hadn’t been thrilled and fired her immediately, which left Emma with no income. 

The school was in the city, which meant Emma had time to do at least some of her reading and her homework on the ferry. But it also meant getting up super early because taking the ferry from Staten Island to the city wasn’t really a ten minute trip. At least the program covered all the expenses, so Emma wouldn’t have to worry about that.

While Henry was eating his breakfast, Emma was getting ready for school herself. She jumped in a pair of jeans and put on a white tanktop that would go well with her favorite red leather jacket. She debated whether or not to put her blonde wavy hair into a pony tail or not, but she decided against it. She was gonna need to wear a beanie today as it was not that warm outside and it sure would be even more chilly on the ferry. She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth while Henry got dressed, more or less successfully. Emma had to force him to put on another sweater because his favourite Superman sweater had a food stain on it. 

“What are you gonna do when you come home from school?”, Emma asked while zipping Henry’s jacket.

“My homework”, he answered rolling his eyes.

“I will check when I come home.” Sometimes the boy needed a little pressure in order to do his school work.

“When are you coming home?”, he asked hopefully and it was hard for Emma to let him down.

“I don’t know, I don’t have my timetable yet. But it won’t be that late, I promise.” It was the first day of school, how long could the day be.

“But who’s gonna watch my cartoon with me then.” Henry frowned, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

Emma really didn’t have the time for a tantrum right now, even though she understood that this was quite a big change for him. Usually Emma would help him with his homework, and then either watch his cartoon with him, go with him to the park or take him with her to her friends. Whatever they did, Emma spent the afternoon with her brother. When she had told Henry about going back to school he had started to cry because he had been scared that she wouldn’t come home anymore. He had only calmed down when Emma had explained to him that she would do this for them, so that Henry could have his own room in a few years. Of course the boy had been excited about that, although he hadn’t really understood what it meant, that Emma was planning on leaving home with him and that Henry wouldn’t be living with his mother anymore. But it had been good enough for then. “You’re a big boy now, aren’t you? Do your homework, watch your cartoon and by then I will be home and make us dinner.” 

Apparently that worked. “What’s for dinner?”, he asked.  
“How about you pick today?” Emma picked up his school bag and gave it to him so he wouldn’t forget it at home.

“I want pizza!”

Emma chuckled and shoved him and herself out the door. “Okay then.”

 

*****

 

When Emma was alone on the ferry with her and the music in her ears she realized how nervous she actually was. She would be the outsider. Not that this hadn’t always been the case, but this time it wasn’t only because she was loner, but also because she was the oldest, and on top of that probably the only one who wasn’t living in a huge mansion with a mom, a dad, and a dog somewhere in Manhattan. She would be the outsider for so many reasons, and there was no way for her to fit in. Who would want to be friends with a twenty year old Highschool drop out from Staten Island who had absolutely no sense of fashion whatsoever? 

When Emma arrived in the city she was overwhelmed for a second. It wasn’t like she went there every day. Once a month maybe. Not even that. But she quickly figured out what subway to take to get to school, and she panicked when she realized that she was already ten minutes late. Great. Now she wouldn’t even have the chance to pick a good seat in the back of the class so everyone would hopefully forget that she was even there. 

 

The huge, almost ancient building was completely silent when Emma entered, completely out of breath as she had been running the minute she got out of the subway. All the doors were already closed and Emma could hear the sound of her own boots when she walked up the stairs. Room 303. That was where she was supposed to be twenty minutes ago. She was supposed to meet Mrs. Blanchard there, the teacher who apparently was in charge of her and the program. How come there was no one in the hallways? At Emma’s old Highschool half her course was late for class, everyday. The other half didn’t even bother to show up. But she could already tell that this was way different. Everything looked so fancy. The high windows and the paintings on the walls made it look more like a museum than a school. It felt like a place she didn’t belong. Emma passed a few lockers, wondering which one would be her’s. At her old school those were always covered in scribbles and little drawings, but here they were polished and dirt-free. 

She was walking along the corridor, nervously checking the numbers on the doors, when she finally found a door that was wide open. She peaked in, hoping there would be someone who could tell her where the freaking room was. There was a woman sitting at the teacher’s desk, glasses resting on the tip of her nose, writing something in the notebook in front of her. She was wearing a blouse and had probably forgotten to button it all the way up. There was something about her that was super bossy and strict, so Emma made a mental note not to choose the classes that woman was teaching. Her hair was dark and wavy, and she elegantly pushed it back after raising and eyebrow and shaking her head a little. Whatever she was reading surely wasn’t making her happy. Emma was taken aback for a moment. This was not what teachers looked like, at least not in real life.

Apparently Emma had exhaled audible, because that woman suddenly looked up. “Can I help you, Dear?”, she asked with a sultry voice.

“Yeah, uh, I’m looking for room 303?” It took Emma a moment to fell back into her rather chill attitude.

“Down the hall to the left”, she replied and turned back to the paper in front of her.

The way she had looked at Emma told her that she was definitely judging her for not being in class even though class had started half an hour ago. A woman like her was probably never late. Emma took a last glance at her and chuckled a little at the sight. The woman was barefoot, black high heels placed next to her chair waiting to be put on again. It was funny because it was such a contrast to that refined person.

“Is there something else I can I help you with, Miss…?” The woman toyed with the pen in her hands while trying to stare Emma down. 

Apparently that was her method. It was intimidating, like she was trying to stare into Emma’s soul, but it didn't silence her in the slightest. “Swan. And no, thanks. Hope you won’t catch a cold”, she said jokingly and left the room before she would get herself into trouble.

 

Down the hall to the left. Emma rushed, trying not to be even later than necessary. The door was closed, so Emma knocked and slowly opened it when she couldn’t hear an answer. To her surprise it was an office instead of a classroom.

“Ah, Emma Swan? I was expecting you!”, a woman with long ice blonde hair said and greeted Emma with a welcoming smile. “I’m Mrs. Fisher, principal and head of the program.”

Emma was relieved that Mrs. Fisher didn’t seem to be mad at her. “Sorry for being late, I think I underestimated the distance…”

“It’s quite a way, isn’t it?”, she said and pointed towards the chair in front of her desk. “I can still move you in one of the dorms. You know the program would pay for everything, you wouldn’t have anything to worry about.”  
Emma took the seat and put her backpack onto her lap. “No, thank you. I can’t move out.” She couldn’t possibly tell her that she had a little brother that she had to take care of because her mother wasn’t really able to. “I won’t be late again, I promise.”

“Very well then. So, are you nervous on your first day of school? This place can be a little intimidating.”

“A little I guess.” Emma wondered if Mrs. Fisher had read all these books that were sorted in the big book shelf behind her or if they were only supposed to make her look intelligent. Given her position and the way she spoke she probably had read them all though. 

“There’s no need to worry. Our students are very friendly and I’m sure you will make friends who can help you out a little. And if you need anything, really, feel free to step by my office anytime. I know how hard it can be to go back to Highschool.”

“Thanks. Yeah it’s a little weird. I mean, I’m twenty years old, I really shouldn’t be in Highschool anymore.” Her age had probably become one of her biggest insecurities recently. She never really cared much about it but when she saw all these successful people on TV who owned entire companies at her age she felt a little sad looking back at her own life.

“Oh, you’re still so young, and definitely not the oldest student here. Also, it’s never too late to change your life and get an education.”

“I’m not the oldest?” The principal was nice and indeed made Emma believe that she could actually enjoy her time here. Maybe even find new friends so she wouldn't always hang out with the same people in Staten Island.

Mrs. Fisher laughed a little. “No, you’re not. We have plenty of students around your age. And I find it very reasonable and brave that you decided to go back to school.”

It really did calm Emma down a bit. There was nothing to be ashamed of. She wanted a degree, so she had the chance of a career where she would make enough money for her and Henry. It would be difficult to keep up, though. Emma felt like he had forgotten everything she had learned at school.

“So, here’s your timetable. We were very impressed with your test results”, Mrs. Fisher said and gave Emma a piece of paper with all the information. She explained to her that she had chosen Emma’s classes based on the test she had taken to get into the program. Advanced maths and physics, of course. These had always been Emma’s best subjects. She sucked at literature, though. She just wasn’t a big fan of reading as she found it rather boring. And writing endless pages about characters and interpretations of storylines had never been her thing.

Afterwards Mrs. Fisher showed Emma her locker and gave her a quick tour around school so Emma knew where the classrooms, the cafeteria and the gym were located. The school was actually bigger than expected, but Emma had a good sense of direction so getting lost wouldn’t become a habit. Even the toilets were clean here. At her old school Emma avoided using the toilets at all costs because they were rather gross, but maybe now she wouldn’t have to hold her pee until she was back home. Lastly, she got like a dozen school books and put half of them into her locker so she wouldn’t have to carry them around all day. 

Mrs. Fisher walked her to her first class to inform Emma’s math teacher, Mr. Hopper, that she was a new student and late for a reason. He seemed friendly and a little quirky with his round glasses and his old-fashioned clothes, but at least he gave Emma some space instead of letting her tell her life story to the class. Everyone was staring at her like she had something on her face while she was looking for an empty seat. She found one in the back of the class, which would never have happened at her old school where the first row was usually the one being empty. She immediately knew for a fact now that she didn’t fit in, at all. The girls looked like they had spend three hours getting ready for school, with their perfectly styled hair and fashionable, expensive clothes. Some boys were wearing loose ties. When Emma took her seat everyone turned around again, and Emma couldn’t be more thankful. Except for the girl next to her who was smiling politely.

“Hey, I’m Ruby”, she whispered.

She looked nice and not as overdressed as the others. Instead of a skirt she was wearing black jeans and a black tee. Her fingernails were painted black as well, and the only colourful item Emma could find were the red strains in her hair and her lipstick. “I’m Emma.”

“You haven’t missed much, we’ve only discussed the formalities. Here, copy it if you want”, she said and gave Emma her notes.

“Thanks.” Emma searched her backpack for a pencil and a paper and eventually found some. “What classes do you have beside advanced maths?”

“Let me see your timetable”, Ruby said and Emma gave it to her.

“Oh, we have lots of classes together. Literature, French, Biology, Algebra II… nice! Do you have plans for lunch yet?”

Emma was more than relieved that Ruby wanted to spend lunch with her. “Not yet.”

“Well, now you do.”

 

They had lunch in the cafeteria where Emma met Ruby’s friend Belle who had a cute Australian accent and apparently was some sort of genius. She took all the advanced classes, and had already applied for the best universities in the country. Still, she was a nice girl and immediately offered Emma to help her in case she had difficulties keeping up. After she had finished her lunch Belle excused herself because she wanted to go to the library real quick before class started. Emma and Ruby shared a confused look but no one said anything. 

Before they went to class Emma stopped by her locker to get the books, as clicking heels were echoing through the halls. Emma looked up and recognized the teacher from earlier. She was wearing a pencil skirt and still hadn’t fully buttoned up her shirt. Her glasses were gone, so Emma figured they must have been reading glasses.

“Who is that?”, Emma asked as she was super curious. Intrigued even.  
“Oh, that’s your worst nightmare. That’s Miss Mills. But don’t worry, you won’t ever have her as your teacher.” Ruby made it sound like it was a good thing.

And Emma was relieved as she should stick to the less strict teachers when she wanted to get good grades, but and the same time she was also a little disappointed. “Why?”, she asked while putting the books in her backpack.

“Because only the top students make it into her classes, and half of them fail. She teaches advanced literature and poetry mostly. Belle worked the entire summer on her essay because she really wanted to attend her class and she didn’t get in. She has straight As only. No idea what this woman’s problem is.”

“But like, can she do that? Not letting students attend her classes?” Ruby made it sound like Miss Mills was royalty or something.

“Of course. She can do whatever she wants here. She’s overqualified and should be giving lectures at Yale or something, but rumor has it that she declined the offer. They also offered her the principal’s job here, and even a spot on the board, but even that she declined.”

“But why?” It was hard for Emma to understand that someone chose teaching at a Highschool with stupid teenagers over giving lectures at University or sitting on a school board committee.

“No idea, but I swear even the teachers are scared of her.” 

Emma didn’t get the chance to dig into this deeper, as a dark haired boy with a devilish grin suddenly put his arm around Ruby. “Hello ladies.” His sweater looked more expensive than all of Emma’s outfits combined. “Who are you?” He nodded into Emma’s direction.

“Uh, I’m Emma.” She struggled to close her backpack as it was just too full. Jeez, these books were heavy.

“Wrong. You’re in luck, because you’re about to be asked out by the most handsome guy in school. Killian Jones”, he said and took Emma’s hand to kiss the back of it.

She has never pulled away faster in her life. 

Ruby rolled his eyes. “Leave her alone, Killian.”

“How about we let her decide on her own?”, he said and his grin grew wider. “I’ll pick you up Saturday at eight”, he said and winked. 

His arrogance annoyed the hell out of Emma, and she was sure she wouldn’t go out with him even if she were into boys. “No, thank you”, she said, closed the locker and literally fled, followed by Ruby who found it more than funny how Emma rejected the guy.

“Oh come on, don’t be shy”, he called after her, and it took Emma lots of self-control not to turn around and show him the middle finger. At her old school she definitely would have, without any hesitation. But she wasn’t at her old school.

 

*****

 

“Where have you been?”

At first Emma was wondering why _he_ cared, but then she realised that she hadn’t been grocery shopping and that was probably the reason why anyone even noticed that she hadn’t been at home the whole day.

“School”, Emma mumbled and took off her shoes. She knew that _he_ would throw a fit when she got dirt on the carpet.

“The fridge is empty”, _he_ said grumpily and took another sip of his beer. The way _he_ was sitting on the dirty couch in his dirty shirt surrounded by this smell of alcohol and sweat made Emma sick to her stomach. 

She hated it here. “You could’ve gone grocery shopping yourself, you’re home the whole day.” Emma bit her tongue. She hadn’t thought this through, and before anyone could’ve been warned _he_ jumped up.

Suddenly Emma felt a strong hand grabbing her neck and forcing her on her knees. Emma gasped, hunching her shoulders to fight the pain. She hated how vulnerable she was when she was caught off guard. She hated how small _he_ made her feel.

“Where do you think the money you spend on a daily basis comes from? Without me you wouldn’t even have a fucking place to sleep.” _He_ came closer, so close that Emma could feel _his_ breath on her skin. 

She turned away as far as _he_ would let her. “I’m s- sorry. Let me go, please!”

“Look at me when I fucking talk to you. If it wasn’t for your mother I would’ve kicked you out a long time ago. Ungrateful brat.” 

“I’m sorry, please.” Emma tried to keep calm and not to breathe too much, otherwise she would have his smell in her nose for the rest of the day.

“Fucking parasite.” 

There was nothing that Emma wanted more than to leave. She would rather sleep under a bridge than spend another night in this apartment because she knew they didn’t want her there, she wasn’t stupid. But who would wake Henry up to go to school then? Make him lunch? Helping him with his homework? Making sure she wouldn’t have to go to the park alone? Most certainly not her mother who was currently sound asleep in the bedroom.

“School, huh? Who is gonna fucking pay for that?”

“N-no one. It’s a scholarship.” Emma’s neck really, really hurt. 

“Aren’t you a little old for school? You should get a fucking job!” And with a last push that made Emma’s face almost touch the linoleum ground _he_ loosened _his_ grip so she could get up again. “Fuck that, they will see soon enough that they’re wasting their time with you. You’re too stupid to learn.”

Emma fled into the bathroom to take a look at her neck. It was a little red where _his_ fingers had sank into her skin, but there weren't any bruises yet, so she was all good to face Henry. She was smiling when she entered the room so the boy wouldn’t worry. He was sitting on the little desk apparently actually doing his homework. Before Emma could sit down next to him he already rushed towards her.

“You’re back!”, Henry said and greeted her with a big hug. That was also a friendly reminder that it didn’t matter what _he_ said to her, how much of a pain in the ass she was according to _him_. She was needed here, and she would never let her brother down. 

“Of course I am, I promised you it wouldn’t be too late. How was school?” She sat down at the table and took a brief look at his homework. He was a smart kid, always the best reader in class, but he got distracted sometimes so it was always good when someone checked his work.

He shrugged. “Miss Kellerman is our teacher again, but Nicholas isn’t in my class anymore. I have to sit next to a girl now.” He rolled his eyes like this was the worst thing ever.

“Really? What’s her name?” Emma found it funny because it reminded her of when she was a kid. Nicholas not being Henry’s buddy at school was probably a good thing, as he was kind of a bully himself.

“Violet. I don’t like her.”

Emma chuckled. “And why is that?”

“She’s new.”

“Why don’t you ask her about her hobbies tomorrow? She might surprise you.” Emma had been the new kid multiple times in her life, and she didn’t want Henry to be another bully just because he wanted to fit in.

Henry shook his head.

“Are you afraid that the others might be mean to you?” Of course Henry was already a little bit of an outsider, Emma was aware of that. They lived in a rather poor neighbourhood, but even for thatthey kind of stood out. Henry never went to school trips, simply because the family couldn’t afford it. Their mom never made it to the teacher’s office hours, and at first they hadn't accepted Emma as a replacement but over time they had changed their minds. So Emma understood that Henry wanted to fit in, but that shouldn’t stop him for doing the right thing. “Imagine you were the new kid at school and no one would talk to you, how would you feel?”

He took some time to think about it, and Emma was already proud of herself because her words had an effect on him. “I could ask her if she likes comic books.”

“Yes, do that. And maybe sit with her at lunch break. If anyone is mean to you tell them your big sister is gonna pay them a visit”, Emma said, pulled Henry onto her lap and started tickling him until he bursted out laughing.

“You know what? You think about question three again and then we could go to the park and maybe get us some pizza, would you like that?”, Emma suggested already knowing the answer.

“Yes pizza!!! What’s wrong with my answer?”

“Nothing, but you forgot something.” Maths had never been Henry’s strength, but he was the best reader in his class. Emma explained it to him and he was surprisingly patient and willing to get it right. She was really proud of him.

 

Emma rushed Henry out the door, gladly _he_ was too busy watching TV to actually care about them leaving the house. They went to the park to practice some football as Henry always talked about how he wanted to play in a team when he would go to Middle School. Emma knew a bit about football actually. Her Dad went to games with her from time to time and she had always really enjoyed it. She had tried to save up for tickets to a football game so Henry could see one live, but then the fridge had died and _he_ had taken her money to get a new one. Next season, she had said. They went to their favourite pizza place afterwards and shared a plain cheese pizza, because that’s what they always did. On the way back they went to buy some groceries because Emma knew the consequences she would face otherwise.

 

Emma had to have a talk with Henry, though. She had to explain to him somehow that he had to spend his mornings alone, and making sure he would leave the house in time. 

“You know my school is in the city, right?”, she asked after both of them had gotten ready for bed and Emma was supposed to read “Matilda” to him for the hundredth time. He loved that book as much as Emma did when she was a kid.

“Yes”, he answered, not really knowing what she was implying.

“It’s quite a long way.”

“Are you leaving??”, he asked, suddenly panicking. 

“Noo, of course not. But I need to leave a little earlier in the morning, otherwise I will be late.” The people in charge at her school wouldn’t tolerate that every day.

Henry looked like he was debating whether this was a good or a bad thing.

“Can you get up by yourself? I will set you an alarm.” Henry could prepare his cereal by himself, that was not the issue. Emma was more worried about him leaving the house in time.

“You won’t be there in the morning?” The boy didn’t seem convinced.

“No, but I will be there every evening. I’m not going to the bar anymore. That’s a good thing, right? I can read to you, and we can go to the park all the time.” He had to be okay with this.

“What if _he’s_ awake?”, he whispered, as if _he_ could hear them.

Sometimes Emma forgot that even if she tried to keep Henry way from _him_ , _he_ was still here. “ _He_ won’t, _he_ ’s never up that early. Don’t worry about that, okay? _He_ won’t hurt you.” Normally _he_ left Henry alone anyways and pretended he didn’t exist. He was only important to _him_ when _he_ wanted to show him off to _his_ colleagues or when _he_ needed him for welfare. Emma was the target, and that was okay.

Henry seemed to be content with her answer and started reading the first chapter of his book. They took turns until he got so tired that he fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**10 Months and 29 Days After**

 

Right after breakfast Emma made her way do Dr. Belfrey’s office. She hoped that after having a quick chat they would let her go again, but when she entered the room she knew that this would not be the case. A set of clothing was placed on the table; sweatpants, shirt, and underwear as well as some shampoo and a toothbrush.

“Sit down, Emma”, Dr. Belfrey ordered extra friendly. “How was your first night?”

Emma couldn’t really figure out if this was a serious question. It was literally impossible to get any sleep on these beds. Or with this mind. “Short. When can I go?”

Dr. Belfrey smiled as if this was a question she was expecting. “We have a rule here that says when someone gets admitted they stay for at least a week.”

“But I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with me. Yes I was feeling pretty shitty yesterday but I’m better now.” Maybe this lie would’ve worked better if at least Emma herself had believed it. When did she get so bad at that? 

“You need to give yourself a chance. If you don’t open up you won’t heal. We will listen to you here, and with therapy and group sessions we will help you to get back on your feet.”

“Therapy isn’t for me.” Even if she told her life story a hundred times, it wouldn’t change a thing. Her wounds would still be there.

“Have you ever even been to therapy?”, Dr. Belfrey asked patiently. It was her job to be patient, and she was pretty good at it.

“No.”

“So how can you know that this isn’t something you might need?”

That silenced Emma. She had no good argument to fight back. She just _knew_ that therapy was the last thing she needed. Emma knew herself better than anyone.

“See, I’ve seen many women your age struggling, and walking out of here with a better mindset, a perspective, and faith in themselves.”

Emma snorted. Faith. That was a word she deleted from her vocabulary a long time ago. And she knew for a fact that nothing in this world would make her feel better and nothing is this world would be able to take that constant pain away from her. So no, therapy was definitely not what Emma needed. There was only one thing she needed, and she wouldn’t get that here. She had to get out as soon as possible, and if she had to pretend to be fine for a week she would do that. Seven days, she only had to get through seven days. “After a week I’m out of here.”  
“Thank you for giving us and yourself a chance. After lunch you’ll participate in our arts and crafts therapy.”

“You’re kidding me.” Maybe this was some kind of punishment because come on, how could arts and craft help her in any way?  
  
“That’s part of our philosophy, sorry. Now, go take a shower.” The doctor was everything but sorry.

“Wait, that’s it? No questions about why I’m so fucked up?”

“No, not for today. You agreeing to staying with us is enough for now.”

Emma was a little bit suspicious when she took the clothing and toiletries because she always expected therapy as some sort of deep talk about childhood traumas and fears. Instead, she was sent to draw silly pictures. 

 

When Emma entered her room, after taking a long and warm shower and finally putting on fresh clothes that didn’t smell like dirt, she noticed that she wasn’t alone again. Robin was sitting on the bed again, biting her nails. Something about her seemed to be constantly anxious and it made Emma nervous. It was like this girl was constantly on the edge and about to explode.

“So, Romeo & Juliet huh?”

Emma was confused and surprised that Robin spoke. She didn’t really know what to say because her heart starting racing like crazy when she heard the words “Romeo & Juliet”. She took some deep breaths to fight off a panic attack.

“I, uh, made your bed and saw your book”, Robin explained and smiled shyly.  
“Don’t ever touch my stuff again, do you understand?” It didn’t bother Emma that the girl had made her bed, but it did bother her that she saw the book, that she touched the book. Or even worse - Robin might have seen what’s in there.  
“I’m sorry I just wanted to be nice. If the nurses had seen your bed like this they would’ve lectured you. It’s our responsibility here to keep our rooms clean.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know.” Emma immediately felt bad for going off on Robin. She meant well and no one could know how easy it was these days to trigger Emma. Every waking moment was a trigger.

“It’s okay. I love reading too, they have a library here. I’m there most of the time”, Robin said almost enthusiastically. 

“I’m not a big reader actually. For how long have you been in here?” 

“A month.”

Emma couldn’t even imagine being in a facility like this for so long, because it wasn’t real life. It was a life behind locked doors with people you wouldn’t meet at a daily basis. “And why are you in here?”

“I, uh, have some issues.”

Robin was getting nervous, so Emma figured it was for the best to just rely on humour and not bother her with more questions that were none of Emma’s business. “Really? Never would’ve guessed.”

“What did you do to get admitted in the middle of the night?”

“I wasn’t well”, Emma said and changed the topic to distract herself from her own thoughts. “You’re pretty young for being this sad.”

“Mental illness doesn’t have an age restriction.”

Robin was smart, Emma could tell. Smart and educated. And judging by her clothing also probably pretty well off. But Emma had learned not to judge a book by its covers. No one really knew what someone was going through, other than the person itself.

“Do you wanna go to lunch and like actually eat something? You haven’t even eaten breakfast”, Emma suggested.  
  
“You either.”

“You have a point there.”

 

 

**4 Years, 2 Months, and 2 Days Before**

 

The next day Emma was on time, even fifteen minutes early. The first stop was her locker, where Ruby was already waiting for her. Right, they had first period together. She greeted her with a hug and rolled her eyes when she discovered that Killian and his friends were hanging out there as well. Apparently her locker had become the jerk’s meeting point. 

“What are they doing here? Are you friends with them?”, Emma asked. She hoped not, though, because that would mean that she had to hang out with them as well when she wanted to be Ruby’s friend.

“Gods no. We just have lots of classes together. They’re waiting for Miss Mills. Let’s go”, Ruby said and headed towards the classroom.

“Wait, why?” Ruby was uncomfortable, so Emma was definitely dying to know what the guys were up to. She didn’t trust them at all.

“They like to put on a show. Puberty apparently killed all of their remaining brain cells.” Damn, if Ruby hated them that much there must be a reason for it.

“What do you mean?”

“I heard them talking, you know, one of them is accidentally gonna bump into her so she has to bend over and then the others will film her from behind. It’s disgusting and I don’t wanna be a part of that. Let’s go to class.”

That was actually far more disgusting than Emma had imagined. “I’m not gonna-“ She was interrupted by clicking heels approaching them in a rather fast speed. She heard the guys whispering and saw Killian walking towards Miss Mills who was busy looking at her phone. Emma wished she wouldn’t be wearing yet another pencil skirt, as that would only feed the guys even more. It was sad that that’s what she as a woman had to think about, really. “Look up”, Emma whispered to herself, hoping she wouldn’t fall right into the trap.

Killian bumped into her and Miss Mills’ folder that she was carrying under her arm fell to the ground, sheets of paper covering the floor. Killian grabbed her shoulders to keep her upright. Or more like because that was an excuse to touch her. “I am so sorry, Miss Mills, that was on me”, he apologised and played the good and well educated rich guy. Ew.

Emma was absolutely fuming.

“Watch where you’re going, Mr. Jones”, Miss Mills snapped, and right before she was about to kneel down to collect her things, Emma rushed towards the crime scene and picked up her folder as well as the sheets of paper. She heard the boys cursing and calling her a stick-in-the-mud but she couldn’t care less. Miss Mills seemed to hear that as well as Emma could tell that she was trying really hard not to glance around.

When she handed over the folder to Miss Mills the world around her turned silent for a second because she wasn’t expecting a teacher to be this pretty. Or anyone to be this pretty. She lost herself in her chocolate brown eyes for a moment, enjoying the scent of expensive parfume. “Here you go”, she said, almost whispered, smiling apologetically. Miss Mills was just about Emma’s height with these heels, maybe still a bit shorter. 

“Thank you, Miss… Swan, am I correct?”, she said dryly, as if this situation hadn’t affected her in the slightest. Emma wondered how Miss Mills must be feeling, considering the fact that the guys treated her like a piece of meat, like an object. 

“Yeah.” Emma couldn’t help but to feel a little flattered that she knew her name after one day of being at that school. It’s been a while since someone has had this effect on her. “Have a nice day then.”

Miss Mills subtly eyed her up and down, probably debating if Emma was worth an answer. And Emma liked that she took her time, because she kind of enjoyed her presence. “You too”, Miss Mills said and walked past her, eyes glued to her phone again. 

Emma couldn’t help but look after her. She had to. Her smile vanished into thin air as she saw Killian’s grin on his face. “Jealous?”, he asked and at first Emma didn’t even get what he meant by that. “Don’t worry, you’re still my number one.”

He fucking winked at her. “Listen to me”, Emma answered and stared him right in the eyes. He was taller than her, and if he hadn’t been wearing a cashmere sweater that showed his wealth he would’ve fit right in with the guys Emma used to kick out of the bar on a Saturday night. “I’m not your anything. What you just did was absolutely disgusting, and I assume this was not the first time.” Miss Mills knew his name, and obviously not because he was a literature genius.

“Jesus, calm down.” Killian raised his hands, his grin grew as he heard his friends laughing and clearly making fun of Emma.

“She is a person, do you really think she likes it when creepy teenage boys pull this shit on her?? What are you even trying to achieve?”

“That’s called foreplay, I bet she likes it when she gets fucked.” 

Emma clenched her teeth, her hands balled into fists, fingernails leaving marks on the palm of her hands. He was teasing her, he couldn’t be this stupid and actually believe what he was saying. Emma tried to calm herself down, she tried really hard. She wanted to laugh in his face and turn around, she wanted to be the bigger person. She glanced over to Ruby who was standing in the doorway waiting for her, and just when Emma was about to turn around Killian opened his mouth again.

“You should come and watch. Friday night, parking lot, mark the date”, he said just loud enough for Emma to hear it.

Her stomach clenched like she was about to throw up. He could not be fucking serious. Guys like him were Emma’s biggest trigger. “You’re not gonna touch her”, Emma said and made sure it sounded like a warning rather than a statement. However, she couldn’t hide the fact that she was truly shocked.

“You bet I will.”

“That’s harassment!” Emma swallowed, slowly realising that he actually meant what he said. He wasn’t saying this purely to make Emma mad. This truly was foreplay for him.

“Not if she’s enjoying it.” He sticked out his tongue, flickering it, and Emma lost it. Before she could think about the consequences of her actions her fist met the left side of Killian’s face. She was trembling, and her knuckles hurt a little more than anticipated. She should feel sorry, she should apologize, but she couldn’t.

Killian’s friends were rushing towards him and helping him up. The few students who were still hanging out in the hallways instead of being in their classrooms turned silent. All eyes were on Emma and Killian. 

“What the…”, Killian held his face and Emma hoped that it hurt. “Fucking hell, this program is a joke. People like you shouldn’t even be allowed at this school, fucking scum.”

“Go back to the ghetto where you belong”, one of his friends shouted.

“What is going on here?” Emma wheeled around. There was a teacher standing behind her, and Emma had no idea for how long. 

“I-“, she tried to answer, but she had no idea how to talk herself out of it.

“She punched him in the face”, Killian’s friend said and the teacher took a look at Killian’s face that was indeed swollen. Emma had gotten herself into trouble, that was obvious. Still, she wasn’t feeling sorry for him in the slightest.

“You alright?”, the teacher asked and Killian nodded. “I’ll get you some ice later. Go to class, and you too, Miss Lucas.” So that was probably the English teacher, Mr. Hood. Great. Ruby shrugged and went inside, followed by Killian and his friends.

“And you”, Mr. Hood said and turned to Emma, “you’re coming with me to the principal’s office. Right now.”

 

Fuck. This was bad, really bad. Emma knew she could be expelled for this immediately, which meant her chances of getting an education would vanish into thin air. Emma toyed nervously with the zipper of her bag while Mr. Hood explained to Mrs. Fisher what had happened. He hadn’t even asked for Emma’s point of view. And she certainly wouldn’t know what to say. Mr. Hood talked about Killian like he was a saint, and Emma figured that Killian’s parents must be really important for this school, financially. That was also the moment she figured that no one would believe her in the slightest if she told them what had driven her to punch him in the face.

“There’s zero tolerance for violence at this school”, Mr. Hood emphasized and Mrs. Fisher nodded in agreement. This was it, they would kick her out. On the second day.

“Mr. Hood I would love to speak to Miss Swan alone now, please. I would like to hear her version of the story. I will send her back to class when we’re finished.”

Mr. Hood didn’t seem happy with that, but he didn’t really have a saying in this. She couldn’t really tell if Mrs. Fisher was on her side or not. Her gut feeling said yes but on the other hand, the principal probably knew as well that Emma didn’t really belong here.

Mrs. Fisher walked over to the mini fridge - Emma made a mental note that if she ever was successful in life she wanted a mini fridge in her office as well - and gave her an ice pack for her hand that was red and a bit swollen and hurt like hell. 

“Thanks.” Emma felt bad. Not for punching the guy, she still thought he deserved it, but because she had let down the principal who was willing to give her a chance here.

“If this doesn’t help I will have to send you to the school nurse.”

“No, it’s fine, really.” That wasn’t the first time Emma’s hand was swollen from punching someone and it would stop hurting in a few hours.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Mrs. Fisher’s friendly smile was gone but Emma still had this feeling in her gut that she was in favour of her.

If she told her about Killian, everyone’s favourite student, it could backfire badly. She had no witnesses apart from Ruby, who she knew for five seconds. And Killian had all his friends and a teacher on his side. There was really no chance here, so Emma shook her head. “I know violence isn’t the solution. It won’t happen again. Just please don’t kick me out.” Emma rarely begged, but she would hate herself forever if she blew this. She barely knew anyone who made it out of the slums. “Please.”

“I should suspend you for this behavior, but I’m not going to. You don’t seem like that person who picks fights for no reason. You’re a smart young woman, allow yourself to live like that. Even though I don’t know the reason for what you did, and also don’t want to know because violence is violence, I’m sure you didn’t do it for fun.”

Emma exhaled in relieve. “Thank you, I-“

“However”, Mrs. Fisher interrupted her, “I’m not gonna let you off the hook that easily.” She handed Emma a list with what seemed like a list of extracurricular activities. Emma had to repress a sigh. That meant she had to spend even more time in school.

“Pick one. These will help you to meet new people and to broaden your horizon.”

Emma scanned the list and skipped to the things that sounded the least boring to her. Maybe sports would be a good idea. She could try football and bring Henry to a game or something. “Is there a spot left on the football team?”

“Unfortunately, we don’t have a girls team. How about cheerleading?”

“Gods no.” Emma continued to search for something that didn’t sound totally horrible, even though nothing really appealed to her.

“How about the Drama Club? I see you’re friends with Miss Lucas, she’s our most dedicated member. I heard they’re doing Romeo & Juliet this year. Beautiful piece.”

Emma nodded in agreement. At least she already knew someone there and maybe she would find a way to do something that didn’t involve going on stage or learning lines. Like, helping out behind the scenes and stuff.

“Okay then. Drama Club is once a week, on Wednesday afternoon. This is your second and last chance. Next time something like this happens I will have to suspend you, do you understand?”

“I understand. Thanks for letting me stay.”  
  
“Now go back to class”, the principal said.

 

Emma was actually in no hurry to get back because that Mr. Hood teacher already hated her anyways and the feeling was mutual. She strolled through the hallway, hoping the bell would ring before she reached the classroom. When she passed Miss Mills’ classroom she held her breath and listened just to hear if she was in there. Maybe she had a class or something, or she was sitting at her desk barefoot again while reading through student’s essays. But the only thing she heard was a silent sob. It pulled on Emma’s heart with a tiny spasm. This was way too intimate for Emma to witness. She felt like an intruder. However, her hand carefully opened the door without her brain’s permission.

Miss Mills’s head snapped up immediately and she wiped away her tears in the movement. “Miss Swan, what are you doing here?”

Holy shit she was actually crying. Emma debated whether or not to leave, but she chose to stay and closed the door behind her instead. “They’re just stupid assholes. Killian and his friends, I mean.”

“Don’t you think I know that?”, she snapped and squinted her eyes at her.

Wow, this woman really was a bitch, but that didn’t scare Emma off. “Listen, uh, I know that sucks but you can’t let them get away with that.”

The woman walked towards Emma and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Emma held her breath. Even though she had cried, she was tragically beautiful. Her grace and her elegance rendered Emma absolutely silent. Even if she had wanted to say something, her brain had shut down completely. 

“I don’t need your help, Miss Swan. I am a grown woman. I can handle a few mentally challenged idiots who are still stuck in puberty. You have no right to come into my classroom like that. I don’t need you.”

Now Emma felt kind of stupid. Of course a few kids wouldn’t be able to make a teacher hide in a classroom and cry like that. “Uh, I, I’m sor-“

“Go back to wherever you came from. I’m pretty sure you and your red haired friend have some pointless issues to discuss, like stupid reality shows or boys or whatever people like you do in their spare time.”

Emma smiled bitterly. That woman might have been intimidating, but not intimidating enough for Emma to fight back when she got insulted. “Actually, I’m more into girls you know.” She walked to the door and turned around again. “But thanks for caring about me not wasting my time with _people like you_ ”, Emma mocked and closed the door behind her. She bit her tongue. Shit, she had really spoken like that to a teacher. If there was one thing she had learned during her year out of school was to fight back, but damn, she had to take it down a notch if she wanted to stay here. Accepting teachers as an authority again was harder for her than she had imagined it to be.


	3. Chapter 3

**10 Months and 30 Days After**

 

Despite it being the middle of the night, Emma was wide awake. With her book pressed to her chest she was laying there, all numb and empty and alone. The only feeling she felt was pain when she thought about how she had to pull through for six more days. She was just so tired, but not that kind of tired that she would fall asleep. More like tired of pulling through, tired of waiting for the days and nights to pass. 

Suddenly she heard the door clicking and turned around, only to find an empty bed on the other side of the room. Robin was probably going to the toilet. She seemed so be getting just as much sleep as Emma was getting. Emma waited for a few more minutes but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up. She got out of the bed and tip-toed out of the room. It was silent just like it was the night she came here. At the end of the floor she could see the light of the night nurse’s station. So Robin probably didn’t go that way. Emma went the other way and tried to be as quiet as possible so she wouldn’t draw any attention. The door that was usually locked was wide open, and Emma heard noises coming from inside. She went inside, still tip-toeing, and found Robin in front of what seemed like a medicine cabinet with a pair of scissors in her hand.

Emma’s stomach dropped. “What the hell are you doing?”, she whispered as loud as she could but still quiet enough so no one besides her and Robin could hear her.

The girl was crying and Emma tried to take the scissors out of her hand. “No!”, Robin whispered, “Please it’s not what it looks like. I just can’t live with _this_ anymore”, she said and pulled at her own hair. “I need to cut it off now or I will rip it all out.”

“What’s wrong with your hair, it’s pretty”, Emma said in a desperate attempt to calm Robin down instead of making things worse for her. Because things would get way worse for Robin if the nurses caught her here with scissors in her hand. She had never seen anyone being so determined to cut their hair. Robin was literally risking so much by doing this.

“No it needs to go, please just let me do this”, Robin begged.

Emma knew exactly how well some people with mental problems could lie, how convincing they could be, because she was there herself. However, something about Robin seemed sincere and she believed her. Emma took a quick glance at the medicine cabinet. There were pills, lots of them, she could just take them and no one would notice… in one smooth movement she shut the cabinet close and grabbed Robin by her arm. “I’m helping you to cut off your hair and then we’re gonna bring back the scissors. Immediately.”

“Yes, yes I promise!” She had stopped crying, and was looking almost relieved.

Emma was super nervous when they were tip-toeing back to the room. She was in it now too, and if they caught them she would have to spend even more time here. But it kind of felt like the right thing to do in the moment, and Robin seemed really, really desperate. 

“Sit down here”, Emma ordered and Robin sat down at the table so they could work with the desk lamp instead of turning on the lights and risking a nurse interrupting them. Emma took the brush from Robin’s nightstand and combed her hair, trying to even in out. Not that she’s ever cut someone’s hair that was that long, but that’s how they did it at the hair dressers.

“So what kind of haircut do you want? A long bob or do you just want a little trim?”, Emma asked, still not understanding why she was cutting a girl’s hair at 2 am with a pair of stolen scissor but hey, at least the time would pass.

“No”, Robin said and paused for a moment. “I want it short. Like, Justin Bieber short.” Her voice was trembling a little and even though Emma couldn’t see her face she knew that she was anxious. Like she was embarrassed to say that.

“Okay then, we don’t have a mirror so you will have to trust me. I can’t promise you anything but I did trim my brother’s hair once in a while so I’m not completely inexperienced.” Emma tried to be funny to make Robin feel a bit better.

“You have a brother?”

Emma swallowed. “How the hell did you even get in that room?”, she asked, mainly because she needed to change the subject asap but also because she was actually curious how she managed to do that.

“I used a hair needle. Saw it on TV once.” 

Robin was looking down, and Emma tried to straighten her head again. “That’s pretty clever, but all that for a new haircut?”

“It’s not… just a haircut for me. This hair… it’s not me. It’s weighing me down and I can’t really explain it.”

“Why haven’t you chopped it off sooner then?”

“I don’t know. I guess I was scared of what others might say.”

“It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. You have to do what’s best for _you_.” It required a bit of strength because Robin’s hair was rather thick but Emma cut through it and handed the braid over. “Here you go. All done. Goodnight”, Emma joked and continued to trim the mess she had made.

“Ha ha”, Robin said and threw the braid in the bin next to the desk.

“You know that the nurses and doctors will notice your new haircut tomorrow and ask questions, right?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna mention you. I know you want to get out of here. It was the same for me when they admitted me. I just wanted to leave again so I could go through with what I had planned.”

“And what was that?”

Silence. Emma got it. It was hard to talk about these things and she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to hear the answer, because she wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

“I tried to slit my wrists but my mom found me in the bathtub before it was too late”, Robin saiddryly, without even breathing. Like she had said these exact words thousands of times.

As expected, Emma didn’t know what to say. What was she supposed to say to someone who tried to end their own life at that young age? Robin was basically a teenager. Emma couldn’t help her, and she was someone who always wanted to, and that left her with a painful feeling of guilt. 

“Emma?”, Robin said quietly.

“Yes?”

“Thank you so much for not telling on me.”

“You’re welcome.” Emma gave Robin’s new haircut the last finishing touches. “Okay it doesn’t even look that terrible”, Emma said proudly, trying to forget what she just heard.

“You think I can pull it off?” Robin seemed to be relieved when she brushed through her own hair. 

Emma knew for sure now that she had done the right thing. “Yes definitely.”

  

 

**4 Years, 2 Months, and 1 Day Before**

 

Emma had declared Wednesday as the worst day of the week. Simply because she had to stay in school longer than necessary for that stupid Drama Club. They were meeting today for the first time, and Emma couldn’t really share Ruby’s excitement. Ruby couldn’t stop talking about how excited she was to find out what play they would put on, since this was Ruby’s final year. Emma was just praying for the teacher to let her work behind the scenes instead of forcing her on stage to actually act. At least the teacher, Mrs. Bell, seemed to be cool. Ruby described her as super funny and told her that she made her a better actress and that everyone loved her.

“Oh no, what is he doing here?”, Emma asked when they were approaching the rather big stage in the school’s auditorium. Everyone was chilling on stage, waiting for Mrs. Bell, and Emma was aboutto start vomiting when she spotted Killian and his friends. The reason why she was even here was here as well. Great.

“I have no idea, they had never been in the Drama Club before. I swear to god if he came to ruin this imma kick his nuts.” Ruby was pretty serious about this, and she hoped that when they had their big performance at the end of the year one of the scouts would offer her a scholarship for one of New York’s best Drama schools.

“This is hell.” Not only would she have to stand on a stage in front of 4985 people, she would also have to spend every Wednesday with these disgusting idiots.

They were both frowning when they sat down on the stage, and Emma was fuming when Killian opened his mouth again. 

“Missed me?”, he asked Emma provocatively. She chose to ignore him.

“Shut up. What are you even doing here?”, Ruby asked.

“I’m a man of many talents, and acting is one of them”, he replied and pulled a dramatic gesture.

Emma and Ruby rolled their eyes, but when they spotted the teacher entering the auditorium none of them were surprised that Killian and his friends were here. 

“What the-“, Emma said and turned to Ruby. “I thought you said Mrs. Bell runs the Drama Club??” That was not Mrs. Bell unless she was Miss Mills’ identical twin. Emma’s stomach clenched and she wished she could hide behind the curtains.

Except for Killian and his friends no one seemed to be happy to spot the petite brunette in pantsuit and heels approaching the stage. They all started to regret their choices of choosing Drama, but Emma couldn’t get herself to regret it for real. She was almost glad that she joined, so she could keep an eye on Killian. It was an instinct and she couldn't help it, even though yes Miss Mills was a tough woman and could defend herself. 

“As you can see Mrs. Bell is not going to be the Drama teacher for this year. She is pregnant and the doctors confined her to bed for the rest of the pregnancy. I am her replacement.” Miss Mills seemed to be just as amused as most of the group. Why had she even agreed to do it when she clearly didn’t want to? Emma felt terrible for the other’s reactions, since no one really tried to hide their disappointment. It was Miss Mills’ own fault though. If she were a bit nicer - or at least pretended to be happy about leading the Drama Club - maybe the students would like her. Still, Emma couldn’t help but feel sorry to the point that she was sick to her stomach looking that woman in the eyes. Either it was her imagination or Miss Mills avoided looking at her at all costs. She tried to give her a reassuring smile while the teacher was talking, knowing that she wouldn’t give a fuck anyways but hey maybe it did make her feel a bit better on the inside.

Ruby squeaked when Miss Mills announced to the group that the play for this year would be Romeo & Juliet. “I’ve been waiting for this since forever”, she said.

Emma hated her life when Miss Mills handed out the copies of Romeo & Juliet. There was nothing worse for her than being forced to read something she had no interest in and a boring play from the 16th century was definitely one of those things. She knew the story, roughly, and if she wasn’t forced to actually play a character she could get away with it.

“I really, really want to play Juliet”, Ruby said, “I would do anything.”

“You sure? You might end up with one of _them_ as your Romeo”, Emma stated and pointed towards the guys who were flipping through the pages and making fun of the cheesy dialogues. Emma was surprised that Killian and his compromised brain even understood the old English language.

“I don’t care, I’m an actress, I can act with anyone.” Ruby turned to Miss Mills. “Is there a time and date for the auditions?”  
“I will let you know soon enough, Miss Lucas.”

Knowing the possible risks of the teacher snapping at her, Emma raised her hand. “Uh, Miss Mills, is there a possibility for me to help out behind the scenes? With the stage design or the props or the costumes or something?”

That was the first time she looked at Emma today and her stomach dropped immediately. Now the teacher would probably punish her by making her play Juliet. 

Instead, Miss Mills seemed to think for a moment, to actually take Emma’s request into consideration, before she nodded. “I will find something for you that doesn’t involve going on stage.”

“I have an idea, Miss Mills. How about the trash takes itself out and Swan goes back to the ghetto she came from?”, Killian said and his friends were obviously backing him up. No one laughed, they were dead serious. His face was full of hate and Emma knew she hit a big nerve when she punched him in the face. But she wasn’t scared of him.

“Another word Mr. Jones and this was your first and last day in this class.” Miss Mills said it in a voice that would’ve shut up the president of the United States. Emma would’ve just ignored his comment, but as the teacher Miss Mills was probably obliged to say something. 

The class seemed to be endless, even though they only did some breathing and speaking exercises and in the end also a little improv. Emma realised that the Drama Club was literally the worst choice she could’ve made. This wasn’t her thing at all. She really hoped that Miss Mills would let her off the hook and gave her something less… stagey. 

 

When the teacher dismissed everyone she called Emma over, and despite her calm personality she couldn’t help but get a little nervous. Miss Mills was strict, and she had something about her that was extremely intriguing to the blonde.

“I know why you’re here”, the brunette stated. “And I’m not gonna give you special treatment. I don’t tolerate violence.”

“Oh-kay?” Emma didn’t want special treatment. She didn’t want anything from that woman. All she wanted was to avoid being a part of the play.

“However. I accept your decision that you don’t want a role in the play. You can help me with the auditions and with, you know, putting this play together. Oh, and you can be in charge of taking pictures for the yearbook.”

Emma smirked. She tried to hide it but she couldn’t.

“What?”, Miss Mills snapped and crossed her arms in front of her chest. 

Emma knew she should be intimidated by this, but she really wasn’t. “I guess we have something in common. We both don’t want to be here.”

“The big difference is that I am getting paid to be here. You on the other hand are here because you made a mistake that you have to pay for.”

“Don’t regret it, though.” She had to pretend like she did in front of Mrs. Fisher, but Miss Mills could know the truth. 

The brunette paused for a moment to judge Emma. “You know that these guys will keep an eye on you, right?”

“Another thing we have in common.”

“You think this is a joke?”  
  
“No, but I know how to handle guys like these. I’ve worked in a bar for some time, I’m used to it. Why are they even still here when they’re as dangerous as you say?” It didn’t make any sense. Even if their parents were super rich or anything, they couldn’t be rich enough to buy their kid the freedom to threaten others.

“Well, it’s a bit difficult to suspend a student whose parents basically own the school, wouldn’t you say?”

“Wow okay how was I supposed to know?” This woman seriously needed to calm down.

She paused. “I’m sorry. For snapping at you.” Miss Mills avoided eye contact again. Apologizingto a student seemed to be a difficult task for the teacher.

“It’s fine. But like, have you tried? Getting Killian suspended?” Emma asked out of concern rather than pure curiosity.

“Of course I did. I filed multiple complains against him.”

It was a bit weird for Emma to imagine that Mrs. Fisher, who seemed to be a reasonable and nice person, would side with someone like Killian. “Guess we have to protect each other then”, Emma said and smiled reassuringly. 

The teacher looked more than annoyed. “Go home, Miss Swan.”

“Sure. But one more thing: Maybe you shouldn’t park your car in the parking lot on Friday. I mean, I don’t know what you’re doing at school on Friday night but apparently you’ll be there.”

“I usually grade papers and prepare classes on Friday after school so I have a free weekend. Why are you saying this?”

“Killian made this stupid comment. Just… watch out for yourself.” Emma didn’t want to care too much. I mean yes, she supported women protecting women, but Miss Mills wasn’t her friend or something.

“I don’t know what it is about me that makes you think I can’t defend myself, but in fact, I can. I’ve been dealing with entitled students for years, this isn’t news to me.”

Emma figured that there was no point in discussing this any further since this woman clearly didn’t want her help so she was making her way towards the door. “You’re welcome”, she said on her way out, just loud enough so Miss Mills could pick up on it. Emma didn’t want her to thank her or anything; for Emma it wasn’t even a question, of course she would warn a woman when men are threatening to attack her. It was just that Emma wished the teacher would come down from her high horse because it was making her absolutely furious.

 

When Emma looked at her phone she saw that she had three missed calls from Henry’s school.

 

******

 

Henry basically threw himself against Emma when she stepped through the door of his classroom without saying a word. 

“Hey buddy, what happened?”, she asked him but also kind of the teacher. The elderly woman looked everything but pleased. She knew Emma from when she was little, and even though she was supportive of this whole situation Emma knew that there was a limit.

“We’ve been waiting for quite a while for you”, the teacher said.

“I’m sorry, my phone was on silent.” In Emma’s school, their phones got taken away if they make a sound during class. She didn’t want to risk that.

“You’re the emergency contact, Emma. The school needs to be able to contact you at any time.”

“I know, it won’t happen again”, Emma said and kneeled down so she was on eye level with Henry. “Now what did you do?”

The boy was clearly embarrassed and buried his head in Emma’s shoulder. Emma petted his back. She had no clue what could’ve happened that upset him that much.

“In art class today he stole the paintbox from another kid and lied about it afterwards. This is not how we treat our classmates, young man”, the teacher said and Henry hugged Emma even tighter.

“Since when do we steal?”, Emma asked her brother but didn’t receive an answer. It was like Henry needed to be comforted, and Emma was willing to give him that, but she also struggled with herself because she needed to teach him somehow that this was not okay. “Why did you steal?”, she asked again, trying to get the boy to talk.

“Because I don’t have a paintbox”, he mumbled.

“What happened to the one from last year? Is it used up?” Maybe Emma should’ve paid more attention to the boy, but this week had been so hectic there was barely any time to go though his list of required school supplies.

Henry nodded against Emma’s shoulder.

“You have to tell me that, Henry, so we can buy you a new one.”

“We don’t have any money.”

“Hey, that’s not true. We don’t have a lot of money, but we do have enough to buy you stuff for school. You don’t have to worry about that.” Emma felt absolutely terrible. Maybe she had said it one time too often that they couldn’t afford things. She never wanted Henry to worry so much that he had to steal.

“But you don’t have a job anymore.”

“That’s really nothing _you_ have to worry about. You’re the kid, I’m the adult. Let me handle that, okay?” Emma got Henry to look at her.

“I don’t want you to go away again because you have to work.” His eyes filled with tears.

“I am not gonna go anywhere besides school, I promise.” 

It didn’t take much for Emma to convince Henry that he had to apologise to the kid the next day, and the teacher was nice enough to let it go without any punishment.

 

******

 

Since Emma was in charge of Henry it happened rarely that she got to hang out with her best friends August and Merlin at Granny’s Diner only a few blocks away from their homes. She’s known the boys for years, they basically grew up together, and the three had always been there for each other no matter what. They spent a lot of time here when they were teenagers, and even now Granny gave them a free meal from time to time whenever a customer sent back their food because something was not how they wanted it to be. 

“So how is it at that new school”, August asked. “You look exhausted.”

“Thanks man, that makes me feel so much better”, Emma said ironically and threw him a look. She was indeed exhausted because of the lack of sleep she was getting. Her day wasn’t over when she successfully managed to put Henry to bed. She had to do homework, a shit ton of homework to be exact, and that didn’t even include studying for the tests that would start in the next couple of days or so. And the housework didn’t do itself either. Since her mom had gotten worse Emma had to do all the laundry and cleaning by herself, and also make lunch for Henry for the next day. Oh, and she also had to make sure that there was enough food and beer in the fridge to keep _him_ satisfied.

“It’s Friday, Em, time to relax a bit”, August added. Yeah, Friday. Killian’s words kept repeating themselves in Emma’s mind and she couldn’t shake the feeling that he was serious about it, and if he couldn’t find Miss Mills in the parking lot tonight because Emma had warned her he would do it another time.

“You know you can always hit us up if you need help. I can take the boy for a day if you want so you have time for yourself”, Merlin said and Emma know that he was sincere. But Henry was her responsibility, and not her friend’s.

“No, it’s fine, it’s just… that school, the people there are so different. Like, there’s this asshole that literally threatened to rape a teacher. And he thinks I’m trash that deserves to be taken out.”

“Are you serious? Jeez, I thought Staten Island was the ghetto”, August said in disbelief.

“No honestly I think people with money are way worse. They think they own the world.”

Granny interfered for a second and brought them their food, even though Emma had only ordered a milkshake. “A cheeseburger that had too much salad on it for this gentleman’s liking”, Granny said and pointed to a grumpy looking, elderly man sitting on the table across the room. “Eat up, sweetie”, she said. If this had been sixteen year old Emma she would’ve been ashamed but since she had to support her family she learned to swallow her pride from time to time, and with this it was easy because Emma knew the burger would’ve landed in the trashcan otherwise.

“Did you do something? About that guy I mean?”, August asked while chewing rather loudly.

“I punched him in the face.” Emma couldn’t help but smirk a little.

Merlin snorted. “Did it work?”

“No not really, I think I made him angrier. And I spoke to the teacher, apparently reporting him won’t help either since his parents pay a lot for their son to be there, if you know what I mean.”

“That’s ridiculous.” August put down his burger that was already half gone.

“Yeah.”

“But there has to be something that could be done?”, he asked.

“Someone has to scare him so bad that he pees his designer jeans”, Merlin suggested and made eye contact with Emma.

“I actually know the perfect people to do that.” Emma grinned mischievously. She didn’t give two flying fucks about Miss Mills basically telling her to stay out of this whole thing.

“So you want me to help you with this because I’m you friendly neighbourhood criminal black guy?”, Merlin said and Emma chuckled a little. Merlin literally couldn’t hurt anyone. She hadn’t seen him participating in any physical fights, ever. But he was strong as hell because he was working out so yes, he looked quite intimidating and that was exactly what Emma needed.

“No”, Emma said, “but you’re strong. And Killian will see that.” She knew Merlin wasn’t seriously having any doubts.

August leaned back in his chair. “Can’t wait to have a little chat with the guys that think they can treat our Emma like that.” August was just as peaceful. He had a past with drugs, but that was about it. No fights, no violence, only when it’s necessary. That was their thing. They rarely participated in gang fights and if they did, it was Emma who got into trouble and the boys were trying to help her.

“You don’t have to say anything, let me talk. Just… be intimidating”, Emma said and hoped that her friends would understand what she meant by that. 

“No problem, boss.”

August and Merlin paid for their meals and Emma for her milkshake, half price because Granny insisted on it, and made their way to the city. The guys on their motorcycles and Emma in the back of August’s, holding onto him for dear life because she still wasn’t really fond of these things. Especially since the guys loved to ignore speed limits.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been to the city”, August said and took off his helmet. Emma handed him her’s. They parked in the middle of the parking lot to make sure that Killian and his friends would see them.

Merlin was leaning against his motorcycle, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Let’s hope they show up.”

It wasn’t that cold for fall during the day, but it was already dark and Emma put her leather jacket a little tighter around her body. “They’re here.” Emma’s heart pumped a bit faster when she saw the group of boys approaching the parking lot. They were jokingly pushing each other and acted like the superior group of people they think they were. “Hey”, she said loud enough for them to hear her, “Can’t find what you’re looking for?” The best technique to avoid getting your ass beaten up was confrontation.

“The hell are you doing here?”, Killian said and his face turned angry. 

“You invited me, remember?”

“Ugh, come on, fuck off.”

Emma’s hands grabbed Killian’s collar. This jacket was probably super expensive, so Emma clenched her fists extra hard. “You better pay attention to what I’m gonna say to you right now, you little bastard. It could save your pathetic life one day. Lay your hands on Miss Mills, make one more stupid comment, put on another show and I promise you you will meet the ‘ghetto Emma’ you’re so afraid of. And her friends. And I can guarantee you, this will not end with you only having a few bruises on your disgusting face. Do you understand?” 

He was fuming, Emma could tell, but she didn’t break eye contact with him once. She didn’t even swallow or show any signs of weakness. If Emma had learned one thing growing up than to never ever show fear. It was easy, because she wasn’t scared. She smelled his disgusting aftershave and it fuelled her anger even more. So much that she would’ve loved to punch him again just because he was here, and he actually wanted to go through with his plan. Emma couldn’t even think about what would’ve happened if Killian hadn’t told her about his plan. Was he really stupid enough to think that Emma wouldn’t warn the teacher and just let it happen? Killian looked past her and spotted Merlin and August. Emma didn’t know what the guys were doing but it worked. Killian swallowed. No one would wanna mess with Staten Island.

“Fucking trash”, Killian said and Emma loosened her grip. “I will make your life a living hell”, he cursed. “You will wish you were never born.”

“Good luck with that. Meanwhile I’m gonna book you a room at the nearest hospital. Just in case they are still able to help you when we’re done with you, of course.” It wasn’t a secret that people in town looked down on people from let’s say Brooklyn or Staten Island. They had a certain reputation, but in this case it was exactly what Emma needed. Of course she wouldn’t beat Killian, or anyone really, up so they would end up in a hospital. But if he continued to harass other women then maybe she would. Maybe she could. Emma had enough of those guys.

“Fuck you”, Killian said and spit on Emma’s feet. He called his friends and they turned around.

Finally Emma dared to breathe again. The adrenaline that had been rushing through her blood slowly vanished and her knees were shaking. This could’ve backfired big time. Even though August and Merlin had been there with her, Killian and his friends would’ve outnumbered them.

“Fucking hell Emma”, Merlin said. “You don’t even need us anymore.”

“I learned from the best”, Emma said.


	4. Chapter 4

**11 Months and 1 Day After**

 

“Tell me about a moment in your childhood where you were truly happy.”

Emma knew Dr. Belfrey would start digging at some point. It was her third session, and last time they mainly talked about the missing scissors since the nurses searched the rooms in the morning before Robin could bring them back, and obviously they found them in their room. It was the fact that they were both alive and not harmed that prevented them from suffering serious consequences. That didn’t stop Dr. Belfrey from questioning Emma about her state of mind. However, Emma managed to convince her that she just wanted to help Robin with her hair, and that none of them had any other intentions in mind.

“Uhm…” That was actually a difficult question to answer. It wasn’t as if her life as a child had been packed with new adventures everyday. And what was childhood even? When she thought of childhood she saw parents and children sitting at a table together, having dinner and talking about their days, laughing and being interested in each other’s stories. She had that when her Dad was still alive. They ate together everyday, because when they all had busy days her Dad wanted to at least have that for them all to come together. There was no such thing as having to hide in a room to eat so no one saw that she took something from the fridge. During the time Emma considered her childhood she wasn’t scared of the weekends, she was looking forward to them so she could spend time with her Dad. “Probably when my Dad took me to see a Giant’s game.” Emma remembered the yelling fans, the smell of Hotdogs during the break, and the cheering when they won the game. “He gave me one of his old Giant’s shirts that was way too big for me.” He had it signed by some of the player. Her Dad had loved football. 

Dr. Belfrey smiled. “Do you still talk to your Father?”

“No, uh, I mean I guess I do, sometimes. I just don’t know if he hears me.” Emma felt her brows furrowing at the memory. “He died when I was ten.” So that was her childhood. Age zero to ten. Then she had to suddenly be an adult, from one day to the next.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like you were pretty close to him, hm?”

“Yeah. He was always there for me.” He was the shield that protected Emma from all the bad in the world. He created a bubble for her. When her Dad was still alive she didn’t even know that the family actually struggled. Her Dad had just started out as a Photographer, and the money was really tight. But her parents never showed. They always made sure that Emma had food, clean clothes, and was able to participate in school activities.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“No.”

“That’s alright, we’ll postpone that for another day. And your Mother? Are you still speaking to her?”

Emma sighed. Emma hadn’t spoken to anyone since her life ended eleven months ago. “No.”

“Why is that?”  
“My Mother is an alcoholic and became really depressed when she got married to her new boyfriend. I basically haven’t spoken to her real self since she met _him_. The last time I saw her I dropped her off at rehab.” The thought of her Mother made her a little angry even, and she felt her fists clench. When Emma brought her into rehab she literally wore a shirt full of her own vomit because she had drank that much. She couldn’t stand even thinking about her right now.

“Mhm”, Dr. Belfrey said and took some notes that made Emma feel uneasy. “How did you feel about your mother’s husband, your stepfather?”

“ _He_ wasn’t my stepfather. _He_ was nothing to me.” Even the thought of him made Emma’s blood boil. If _he_ was anything _he_ was the person that made Emma’s life a living hell day after day. 

“Did you live with him and your Mother?”  
“Yes.” Sadly. She would’ve rather lived under a bridge than with them. But she had to, for… for Henry.

“In Boston?”  
“No.” She actually struggled to remember how she even ended up in Boston. But she also didn’t want to remember, she just wanted to forget everything.  
“Where did you grow up? Where do you come from, Emma?”  
Emma tucked at her sleeves. She was getting uncomfortable. It was like an insect was crawling underneath her skin. “Staten Island”, she mumbled. That was getting too personal, but Emma would rather open up about that than about the other thing. And she had to open up about something so Dr. Belfrey would discharge her.

“Did you like it there? It’s a pretty tough neighbourhood.” 

“It was okay. I mean, I had friends and I knew my way around.” She didn't know what would’ve happened if she hadn’t met August and Merlin. The crime rate was pretty high there and it was rather dangerous, especially for someone like Emma. Though she knew how to protect herself and those two taught her well.

“Did you have any encounters with drugs?”

“No, not really. I never seriously took any. My friend was an addict but he’s sober now. At least he was the last time I saw him. I don’t know.” She hoped he was still sober, and found a family to settle down with. No matter what that family looked like. Emma had learned that family came in various shapes and sizes. She just wanted her friends, who were genuinely good people, to be happy with their lives.

“Do you miss him?”

Emma shrugged. She was numb and it didn’t even matter. There was no way she would ever voluntarily let anyone into her life again, because her plan to disappear was still standing and probably would stand until she succeeded. “No.”

 

**  
Chapter 4: 4 Years, 1 Months, and 20 Day Before**

 

Emma had warned Henry that she would come home super late today since it was audition day and as Miss Mills left hand she had to be there. She noticed quickly that everyone took this very seriously because the big performance at the end of the school year was a chance for everyone to be seen. Ruby had tried to bribe Emma into giving her the lead, but Emma would’ve voted for her anyways. Apparently the annual end of the year performance really was quite important because scouts from drama schools all over the east coast made their way to New York City to find new talents. Emma admired Ruby’s passion and the fact that she knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life.

They went through the smaller parts first, Benvolio and Mercutio and other characters that Emma never heard of in her entire life. She didn’t even know that there were that many characters in Romeo & Juliet. When they finally got to Juliet Emma was relived, because that meant the day was finally coming to an end, or at least she thought so. There were lots of students who auditioned for that role. After a rather mediocre performance of a girl called Lindsay, it was Ruby’s turn to audition for Juliet. Since Emma had no idea about theatre she felt lowkey out of place, but in her eyes Ruby was very convincing. She performed a monologue and afterwards she had to play a scene with Romeo, whose lines were read by a nerdy boy that looked like he wanted to be on stage just as much as Emma. Miss Mills said he usually was in charge of the lighting on stage. They had to perform the famous death scene that Emma had never read.

“More passion!”, Miss Mills suddenly said, shouted even. She had barely interfered the entire day, but she got up from her seat, took down her glasses and walked up on stage, adjusting her pencil skirt in the process. In one smooth movement she took Ruby’s script from her. A deafening silence spread across the room, even the students who sat in the auditorium, whispering and waiting to audition, ceased their conversations. It was like everyone was holding their breaths. Ruby stood there, startled, like she was frozen on the spot and Emma felt sorry for her. 

“What’s there? A cup, clos’d in my true love’s hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.” Miss Mills read a few more lines, taking breaks between the sentences to let the words think in, and Emma was surprised that she was actually not bad at acting. In fact, Emma got goosebumps listening to Miss Mills reading about loss and grief and complete agony. Until now she’s only seen one look on the teacher’s face, a look of disinterest and coldness. For some reason Emma thought the teacher was just chosen to supervise this class because no one else wanted to do it. 

“Juliet is devastated in this scene. She’s lost the love of her life and is now ready to end her own life. Don’t play for the audience, play for him”, she said and pointed to the ground, where the nerdy boy was laying and playing dead, awkwardly looking up to Ruby and Miss Mills. “Or whoever is your real life Romeo.”

Miss Mills rolled her eyes and shoved the script into Ruby’s arms. “Again”, she ordered, left the stage and sat down next to Emma again.

“Good job”, Emma said, but didn’t really receive any attention from her. She glanced over to Miss Mills and smirked before focusing on Ruby and her scene again. She was glad that Miss Mills was giving her another chance.

Even though the teacher didn’t seem to be too pleased with Ruby’s performance, there was no real threat for her. Ruby was the best, that was for sure. What bugged Emma more was that Killian was making a fool out of the entire class while auditioning for Romeo and mocking every single line. It was almost painful to watch Miss Mills pretending to take notes and taking him seriously. Emma certainly didn’t. She tried her best to send death glares his way. Killian’s friend Peter was actually pretty good, Emma had to admit. And he seemed like he actually wanted this, and didn’t do it just to mock everyone. The number of people auditioning for Romeo was much smaller than those who auditioned for Juliet, and there weren’t much student’s to choose from. Peter was the only one that was actually up for discussion. 

However, Emma and Miss Mills stayed for quite a while after the students had left to go over their sheets and discuss everything. When Miss Mills was talking Emma had trouble not to stare at her lips and to focus on her sheet instead. She actually wanted to know Emma’s opinion, and she confessed that they had to choose wisely since this end of the year play was a big deal for lots of students and could be very important for their careers. Lots of students dreamt of a big acting career, inspired by the plays they had seen on broadway. Emma had never been to a broadway show. By the end, they made sure that everyone who put effort in the audition ended up with some type of role in the play. Ruby and Peter would be the leads, and Emma couldn’t wait to tell Ruby the good news.

“See you tomorrow then”, Emma said and picked up her backpack. It was late, and if she didn’t catch the next ferry it would be way past Henry’s bedtime when she came home. 

“Miss Swan?”  
Emma turned around. “Yeah?”

“Let me drive you home, please.” Miss Mills packed up her things and seemed to not even wait for Emma’s answer.

“The ferry is actually faster, but thanks.” It’s not that Emma didn’t want to sit in a car with her teacher. She really enjoyed their discussion and found it freeing to have conversations with a smart woman like her. The ferry actually was quicker and she needed to get home as soon as possible.

“Then let me at least drive you to the ferry. It’s late”, Miss Mills said and put on her black coat. A wave of perfume hit Emma, and it smelled nice and expensive and intriguing.

“Uh okay, if I’m not an inconvenience-“

“You’re certainly not. And I owe you for staying longer and for… you know.”

Emma was getting ready to defend her case, because she didn’t want the teacher to feel like she owed her anything for something she would’ve done for anyone, but Miss Mills held up her hand. “Don’t argue. Get in the car.”

Emma smirked and followed Miss Mills. “Yes, Madam.”

The teacher’s Mercedes was cleaner than Emma’s room ever was. The seats where made of expensive leather and Emma tried her best not to touch anything more than necessary. Instead, she was admiring Miss Mills’ side profile and wondered what it must be like to be as rich and beautiful as she was. She wondered what it must be like to drive through New York’s traffic after a long day of work and to come home to a nice apartment or house that felt like a home. Emma was quickly pulled out of her thoughts when the teacher started the car and the music started playing.

“What… the hell is this?”, Emma asked and had to stop herself from laughing. Even though Miss Mills was poised and regal, she hadn’t expected _this_.

“Tchaikovsky. It’s a beautiful piece”, the teacher said without letting Emma distract her from focusing on the road ahead of her.

“God what are you, a hundred years old?”, Emma asked and turned towards the window so the teacher wouldn’t see her smile. As she was watching the lights rushing by, she found herself actually enjoying the atmosphere this piece of music brought with it.

“I didn’t know only people of a certain age could enjoy classical music”, Miss Mills said dryly.

“Well, either old people or rich kids… or both.” Yes it was a stupid prejudice, but where Emma was from she had never met someone who listened to Tchaikovsky.

“Exactly how _old_ do you think I am, if I may ask?” The teacher almost seemed a little offended.

“Based on your music taste? Eighty. Based on your looks? Twenty”, Emma said and winked. Regina didn’t exactly look like twenty, more like a woman in her mid thirties. But that didn’t make her any less interesting, on the contrary in fact. She had little wrinkles next to her eyes, Emma had noticed, and she wondered who had made her laugh and cry like that. There was a scar crossing her upper lip, but it was barely visible, and Emma was dying to know the story behind it. She was insanely curious about the teacher, what her life was like, if she had a boyfriend or even kids. No, probably no kids, but definitely a boyfriend.

Regina rolled her eyes. She saw the wink. And Emma was sure she could spot a soft smile beneath the mask of coldness. “I’m not gonna let someone judge my music taste who hasn’t even read the classics of English literature.”

“Woah hold on, for all you know my favourite book could be ‘To Kill a Mockingjay'.”  
“It’s Mockingbird. And you had no idea what half of the scenes you’ve seen today were about.”

The teacher didn’t seem to be mad, but Emma felt a bit bad. Miss Mills literally protected her from facing her worst nightmare that was going on stage; she could at least be a little more prepared and learn about the play they were putting on so she was actually somewhat useful. “Let’s make a deal. I’ll read Romeo & Juliet if you listen to one of my playlists and broaden your horizon.”

“What playlist?”

“I’ll make you one and I’ll send it to you tonight if you give me your number.” It was only when she said the words out loud that Emma realized she was going to far. This was literally a teacher she was talking to. But they were both adults and she would only use her number to send her a playlist, that’s all.

A few moments passed and Emma was about to apologise and admit that this was kind of inappropriate, but then Miss Mills answered. “The original play I gave you. Not some modernized version. And I will notice if you just watch the movie.”

Now Emma was full on smiling because she was pretty relieved that this didn’t backfire. “So do we have a deal?”

“I suppose”, Miss Mills said and stopped the car to drop Emma off at the ferry. Emma’s heart fluttered a little when she handed over her phone so the teacher could put in her number. And she grinned even further when she read that she named the contact “Regina Mills”. Not “Miss Mills” or “Teacher Mills”, but “Regina Mills”.

“Thanks”, Emma said.

“Why are you grinning like that?”, Miss Mills asked and Emma wondered if the teacher had a headache from constantly furrowing her eyebrows like that. She was so tense all the time.

“Am I not allowed to smile when I get a pretty woman’s number?” Emma asked herself when she would finally understand that this was a teacher she was talking to, and she could not talk to her like she was trying to pick her up as if she was some woman in a bar. “I’m kidding.”

“Miss Swan I wanted to say thank you”, Miss Mills said as if she didn’t hear what Emma had said.

“For what?”

“For telling me about Mr. Jones.”

“That’s common sense.” It wasn’t even an option in Emma’s mind not to tell her. Even if she hated her guts.

“I’m not sure if people would’ve taken it seriously. They underestimate what this man is capable of.”

“But Mrs. Fisher seems-“  
“Especially Mrs. Fisher. We had a young girl at this school last year who was brave enough to speak up because Mr. Jones had harassed her for months, and more than half of the faculty members did not believe her, including our principal”, she sighed, “I should’ve taken that job.”

“Why didn’t you?”  
“Because the offer came before Mr. Jones was an issue and this is none of your business. Weren’t you in a hurry?” 

“Okay, okay.” Emma got the hint and made her way out of the car. She really wished she could stop herself from grinning but she kind of liked that the teacher also slipped out of her role from time to time, and that Emma was the reason for it. “Thanks for the lift, goodnight.”

 

When Emma got home she rushed into her and Henry’s room, and was pretty surprised to find the boy laying in his bed already wearing pyjamas. He wasn’t asleep, but he was in bed. That meant that either their mom actually had a good day today and got up, or Henry went to bed himself. Emma smashed her backpack into the corner and claimed the stairs up to Henry’s bed. 

“Where have you been?”, Henry asked sleepily. 

“Sorry buddy, took a little longer today. Only today though, I promise”, Emma said. “Have you eaten? Done your homework?”

Henry rolled his eyes. “Yes, and yes, Mom made me pasta today”, he said with the biggest smile on his face. “And _he_ went out.”

“Oh she was up? That’s great. Did she bring you to bed?” Emma had noticed that _he_ wasn’t home. It was far to quiet, almost suspiciously quiet in their flat.

“No, I went on my own.”

“I’m proud of you, you’re such a little grown up”, Emma joked and tickled her brother. “Do you want me to read you a bedtime story?” 

Henry nodded, and it didn’t even take three pages of yet again Matilda until the boy was sound asleep. Emma crawled back down to her own bed, as quiet as possible so she wouldn’t wake him up again. She knew she should do some homework, but she postponed that for the ferry ride tomorrow and opened Spotify instead. She searched her library for songs that she thought might be something for her teacher. It had to be a good mix and she also kind of felt the need to drop some hints about liking girls, because something about Miss Mills made Emma think that she was kind of into girls as well. She could be wrong though and it wouldn’t have been the first time, but usually Emma had a good gut feeling when it came to things like that. When she was done she copied the link and opened a new message. Her fingers were a little sweaty and she felt weirdly nervous; probably because it was a teacher she was texting. A pretty one. She started typing and deleted it five times, until she finally came up with something that left her more or less satisfied. “For you”, she wrote, and decided against an Emoji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emma’s Playlist for Regina:  
> This Year - The Mountain Goats  
> Asleep - The Smiths  
> The Safety Dance - Sleeping At Last  
> All I Want Is to Be Your Girl - Holly Miranda  
> The Chain - Fleetwood Mac  
> Good Girls - LANY  
> Apocalypse - Cigarettes After Sex  
> Bird Set Free - Sia  
> Androgynous - The Replacements  
> Skinny Love - Bon Iver  
> Santa Monica Dream - Angus & Julia Stone  
> Somebody Else - The 1975


End file.
